little miss perfect

"It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection."

Ever since I was little, I have been a bit of a Type-A kind of girl - conscientious, strong student, and always trying to be good at everything... if not "perfect". So it comes as no surprise that a quest for perfection sometimes eats at me now as a new mommy. Wanting to be the perfect parent, the perfect wife, look put together, have my own creative/professional achievements, and have the perfect home despite having an infant daughter. Now these things aren't top of mind daily, but they do sit under the surface waiting to jump out at me in weak moments. It is only just now, as a new mother, that I'm slowly learning it's ok to just be imperfect and clumsy on many days.

I would rather share a laugh with my baby than fold the laundry, and this kind of imperfection I can master. I love, love being home with Sara and watching her grow. But the days can be long with a baby sometimes, and there can be off days. If I struggle to find some creative time just for me, if I get frustrated with Sara when she is refusing to nap and crying out of fatigue, or if I just want to savour instead of gobble a meal, I often start to think... Am I selfishly choosing myself over my child? What kind of parent am I? This may sound extreme unless you know my issues over sharing a gene pool with my father, who checked out when I was a teenager after being so seemingly 'there' when I was a kid. Last week those emotions led to some tears on my part after Sara had her own crying session. She looked up at me with big bewildered blue eyes, still moist from her own tears, and stopped sucking on her pacifier to just smile at me. With pure love, my baby was trying to comfort ME. I was reminded in that moment how much I want to raise her to be a generous, loyal and loving person, to have a strong relationship with her, and to share the person that is "me"...imperfect, but full of love for her.