sadness

On Saturday, I received one of the biggest shocks of my life. My friend and former colleague, Denise, passed away suddenly. Over the past few days during long conversations with mutual friends, and the few moments that I've allowed myself to be alone, there have been many tears and even some laughter in remembering her... and trying to let it sink in that this is actually real. I thought maybe writing a bit about her may help.

Denise was a loving, funny, genuinely caring person who was a great friend and motherly figure in the lives of the close-knit staff of the Heritage Schoolhouse. We depended on her for so much, and not just professionally. Over the 8 years of our friendship, she shared in us getting married and having children. Even though we were part of a large school board, we worked in our own small building, just 4 of us. We were like a little family, and shared every morning coffee and lunch together. No one could tell a story like Denise, and I still laugh at her patented expressions and the many colourful characters we learned so much about over the years. She also had an incredible memory, and always asked after our own families and friends. During the past three years I saw her less often since we didn't work together daily anymore, but that's one of the many unique things about the Schoolhouse... we were all still close, and I looked so forward to our get-togethers. It was like no time had passed.

Denise also gave me some of the best advice about raising Sara after she was born. She loved reading this blog and seeing new pictures, and loved a "little cuddle" with her on our visits. She had three daughters of her own, and I can only dream of having as close a relationship with Sara as she had with her children. She was their mother and their best friend.

The thing about having children is that when horrible things happen in life, they still need to be fed, changed, and played with. Last night before putting Sara to bed we rocked in our chair together. She was curled up to one side so that we were facing each other with our heads resting on the back of the chair. I sang to her while she alternately grabbed my nose and hugged me, and I cherished every moment of our "little cuddle."

Ian was away most of the weekend, and won a Super Bowl bet that was made months ago with the intention of going to Las Vegas. This morning he was SO excited, and at first I was adamant that we need the winnings and can't just spend them on a vacation. Unable to deal with an argument, I went to take a shower... and broke down. I could almost hear Denise telling me to shut up, go to Vegas, and have fun! It's funny how events like this can put life in perspective in short order.

The next few days of the visitation and funeral will be extremely difficult, and I know for sure that it will be a full house. I haven't come up with anything remotely suitable to say to her family. At least a group of us are doing everything together, as heartbreaking as it will be to say goodbye to our friend.

I will miss you always.

xoxo