bittersweet

It's my last day of maternity leave, and here I am doing many of the same things that I did on this day last year when I was one day past my official due date.... flitting about the house anxiously tidying things, feeling nervous about the impending and inevitable big life change around the corner, and finding myself swinging on an emotional pendulum. Oh yes, and nursing a sprained wrist, which has totally sucked and means I haven't been able to pick up Sara in over a week. This is the first day that being on the computer doesn't really hurt!

I've spent a lot of time reflecting on the past year over this week, how much Sara and I have both grown and changed... remembering my favourite moments, from a certain walk to the park to the many milestones... and yes, shedding quite a few tears at how fast it's all gone. Some recent photos:

Hamming it up at Easter dinner...
When it's wet, Sara's hair is curly like Mommy's!
She colour coordinated her toys with her outfit, all by herself. Adorable.
Standing at every opportunity and starting to cruise!
Instead of delving into the complexity of how I'm feeling, because in true Christine style I have over-analyzed it to death already, I will simply say to my girl:

This year has been the most incredible, life-changing journey of my life. I have loved every single moment with you, even in the hard learning curve of motherhood, and we have made quite a team together! I don't know how I will adjust to not having you by my side everyday, but I do know that I will think of you constantly, miss you fiercely, and will look so forward to coming home to your big smile and Sara hugs every evening. Please save some more of your firsts for when I am home, if you can wait! And while I am so proud of all the things you can do already, please, please, don't grow up too fast.

Love, Mommy
xoxo

a rollercoaster, baby baby....

Have you ever heard a baby with laryngitis? It is so, so, sad to hear your baby snuffle and cough with her first bad cold, rubbing her face furiously, and then look at you while crying hoarsely. This has been our week. We even, for the first time ever, had to have Sara sleep in our bed with us on Wednesday night. She let us know in no uncertain terms by standing up screaming in her crib that she could not, would not, sleep on her own! She lay on Ian's chest first, nose running all over him, snoring. Cute if it wasn't 2am! Last night was a repeat. I sat upright propped on pillows while Sara leaned into my chest looking for a comfortable way to breathe. Finally I could slink down and we all got a few magical hours of sleep. I feel so sad for her, and hope she is healthy again soon.... even so we can just get some good sleep!

This past 6 weeks or so has been one stressful thing after another, some of which I can't talk about here. Let's say that it's more than just the snow and I've had to call into question my belief that 'everything happens for a reason'. I'm happy to report that I still believe it for the most part. Sometimes it's good to shake things up because after you get over the initial freak out, change can be a great thing in the long run - even necessary. And the events that are the most difficult to reconcile, like the passing of a friend, can ironically strengthen the friendships between those who are still here.

Dealing with stuff has put off dealing with a really big, impending change for me... and now I'm feeling the anxiety flood in. In two fleeting weeks, I am... Going. Back. To. Work.

I'm feeling the guilt, anxiety and sadness about my maternity leave ending, as well as a confidence crisis about returning to my job. For the past year, my job has been to be a Mommy and nothing else, and Sara is a huge part of every single part of my being. I envision not being here for the bulk of her days, and missing out on 'firsts', and it feels like someone has chopped off a limb. As I've said before, I cannot believe that she is almost 1 already and soon won't be a baby anymore.

It seems that one of the great ironies of motherhood is that when you crave a break and some time to yourself, after you feel happy for a while, you feel the tug and can't wait to get back to your child. Like this week, I went to see Juno by myself and it was great (even though I felt mildly nauseous after eating nothing that day but a bag of Reese Bites and big fountain Coke), although of course I cried big sniffly tears during the mommy moments of the movie. A family trip to Ikea turned into a solo trip for me after our sleepless night, and my purchases were for Sara's birthday party and her room!

So I've been trying to think of the positive. You see, there are good things about going back to work... it's just that I feel guilty for getting excited about them! Such as, I have a cool job with really great co-workers, and I look forward to taking on new challenges. I can have an uninterrupted hour to myself at lunch. There's good food and shopping near my office. I like getting dressed nicely in the morning and then dressing down after work. It will be nice that dressing down in the evening isn't going from track pants to actual pajama pants! I will have a new workspace. Oh, and yes, the paycheque will be fabulous.

There are things to look forward to, and I know we will both adjust. I feel so much better that Sara will have extra bonding time with her Daddy for a least a little while. This makes me incredibly happy. So can we just see a little SPRING already, both literally and figuratively? If we can just get over the sickness, I do feel flutters of excitement for all the GOOD changes and events coming this year. And for the next couple of weeks, I will soak up all the family time that I can!

standing tall

Ever since Sara started pulling herself up to stand, she has been practicing her new skill everywhere! We have finally finished babyproofing, but honestly, I think my heart momentarily stops several times a day as she teeters, reaches, balances on moveable objects, and yes, tumbles down. It's impossible to avoid tumbles - I know this - but when instead of landing on her diaper-padded bum she bumps her head or scares herself and starts to cry, she's not the only one with a lump in her throat!

Speaking of a lump in the throat... this weekend was, well, interesting. Ian was up north at a cottage, and on top of watching the relentless snow fall on Saturday, Sara got sick. In the morning she wouldn't eat except for her bottle, and just lay against my chest on the couch with her soother. By afternoon, she spiked a fever of 39.2. She felt so hot and was crying inconsolably, and despite trying to think rationally, I started to panic. She's never had anything like that before and from what I had read online during her last fever, we had well passed the point of home treatment (I now know - don't look up medical advice online. Just don't.) I called Telehealth who told me I wouldn't get a call back for 20 minutes, and then I remembered our Dr.'s after hours service. They also said that I would have to wait. So I gave her Tempra, which was difficult because she didn't want anything coming near her face, and I decided to try putting her in a bath. Bad move... She started shaking when I put her in the water so I pulled her out.

By this point I was in full panic and crying myself, thinking that even if I had to take her somewhere, how the f*$k would I get there in the giant storm?? I even briefly debated calling 911. I know tons of people would find this ridiculous, but so what ... newish moms with a sick baby don't exactly think clearly! Thankfully my awesome sis and brother-in-law live across the street and they came over to help. I was an embarrassing mess but the Tempra started to work for Sara and they could sit with her while I talked to a nurse on the phone. I'm so, so, grateful that they stayed with us for the rest of the evening!!

Sara was eager to go to bed that evening. I didn't sleep well that night and gave her more Tempra every 4 hours, but by morning she was nice and cool. I hope she doesn't have any lasting memories of me shoving a thermometer up her bum about 100 times.

Yesterday and today she's been better but still not 100%. She's had some barely contained diapers (love you, Pampers) and she's been coughing a lot at night and in the morning. Her 'talking' is all hoarse and raspy. It's so sad to listen to, but at least she wants to play again! Even though this was nothing compared to what some parents deal with, there's nothing like caring for a sick child to remind you of how fierce and all-encompassing a mommy's love is!

The Schoolhouse's youngest student!

This weekend's weather is likely going to confirm Sara's growing disbelief that there is any such thing as "outside", but, we did get out this morning to visit our friends at the Heritage Schoolhouse museum. It was our first visit since Denise passed away, and although it was emotional to walk in knowing she would not be there to greet us, we had a good visit. I'm very glad to have gone in once before our 'Celebrating Denise' lunch next week.

It was the first time that Sara explored the classroom and she was very interested in looking around at everything. She looked so cute sitting at one of the desks! She was probably the first child to stand on the seat and try climbing over without getting in trouble!

You can almost see her mind working here... "What do I want to touch, and how do I get Mommy to lean closer to it?!"

hints of spring

Ok so I've been terrible at blogging lately, with good reason though... I hope to get back on track, at least until I go back to work! I really needed to see some signs of spring, and this morning I was thrilled to breathe semi-warm outdoor air... and see the sun streaming in on my new "baby"!
Sara seemed to enjoy a shot of colour too!
Sara is crawling speedily all over the house and pulling herself up... she started with going to her knees, and then when we were at M&D's house for dinner on Saturday she stood right up in her playpen! She evidently wanted to see what she was missing at the table! Today I just found her standing up her crib in tears, which I figured was coming! I'm not sure if she couldn't get down, or if she just knew she needed a new diaper.

I sit back and marvel at how she's growing and changing, and I just can't believe it sometimes. She has such a happy personality that comes out more everyday, and I'm so proud of her developments. Nothing makes me happier than watching her crawl with all her might across a room (or up my body) to get to her mommy for a big hug.... but I admit I am also having an increasingly hard time with the fact that my baby will soon be a toddler and we're planning her 1st birthday party already!