a rollercoaster, baby baby....

Have you ever heard a baby with laryngitis? It is so, so, sad to hear your baby snuffle and cough with her first bad cold, rubbing her face furiously, and then look at you while crying hoarsely. This has been our week. We even, for the first time ever, had to have Sara sleep in our bed with us on Wednesday night. She let us know in no uncertain terms by standing up screaming in her crib that she could not, would not, sleep on her own! She lay on Ian's chest first, nose running all over him, snoring. Cute if it wasn't 2am! Last night was a repeat. I sat upright propped on pillows while Sara leaned into my chest looking for a comfortable way to breathe. Finally I could slink down and we all got a few magical hours of sleep. I feel so sad for her, and hope she is healthy again soon.... even so we can just get some good sleep!

This past 6 weeks or so has been one stressful thing after another, some of which I can't talk about here. Let's say that it's more than just the snow and I've had to call into question my belief that 'everything happens for a reason'. I'm happy to report that I still believe it for the most part. Sometimes it's good to shake things up because after you get over the initial freak out, change can be a great thing in the long run - even necessary. And the events that are the most difficult to reconcile, like the passing of a friend, can ironically strengthen the friendships between those who are still here.

Dealing with stuff has put off dealing with a really big, impending change for me... and now I'm feeling the anxiety flood in. In two fleeting weeks, I am... Going. Back. To. Work.

I'm feeling the guilt, anxiety and sadness about my maternity leave ending, as well as a confidence crisis about returning to my job. For the past year, my job has been to be a Mommy and nothing else, and Sara is a huge part of every single part of my being. I envision not being here for the bulk of her days, and missing out on 'firsts', and it feels like someone has chopped off a limb. As I've said before, I cannot believe that she is almost 1 already and soon won't be a baby anymore.

It seems that one of the great ironies of motherhood is that when you crave a break and some time to yourself, after you feel happy for a while, you feel the tug and can't wait to get back to your child. Like this week, I went to see Juno by myself and it was great (even though I felt mildly nauseous after eating nothing that day but a bag of Reese Bites and big fountain Coke), although of course I cried big sniffly tears during the mommy moments of the movie. A family trip to Ikea turned into a solo trip for me after our sleepless night, and my purchases were for Sara's birthday party and her room!

So I've been trying to think of the positive. You see, there are good things about going back to work... it's just that I feel guilty for getting excited about them! Such as, I have a cool job with really great co-workers, and I look forward to taking on new challenges. I can have an uninterrupted hour to myself at lunch. There's good food and shopping near my office. I like getting dressed nicely in the morning and then dressing down after work. It will be nice that dressing down in the evening isn't going from track pants to actual pajama pants! I will have a new workspace. Oh, and yes, the paycheque will be fabulous.

There are things to look forward to, and I know we will both adjust. I feel so much better that Sara will have extra bonding time with her Daddy for a least a little while. This makes me incredibly happy. So can we just see a little SPRING already, both literally and figuratively? If we can just get over the sickness, I do feel flutters of excitement for all the GOOD changes and events coming this year. And for the next couple of weeks, I will soak up all the family time that I can!