2 months of motherhood

Sara will be 8 weeks old tomorrow, and the time has both flown and trickled by. There have been many joyous and challenging times over the past 8 weeks as we're adjusting to parenthood and this new little person who has become a part of our lives forever. All through pregnancy we heard, and I was trying to process, that parenthood "changes everything" and that "it's not easy." The thing is, until it happens, you really can't know what that all means. You can't know what it means to feel this much love for someone... to try and find yourself in the person you were and the parent you are now... to feel fierce protectiveness and wake from recurring dreams of someone trying to take your baby away... to feel so triumphant when your daughter lets out the big burp you've been working so hard to get... to not mind the diaper changes because it lets me kiss her feet and belly... to desperately wish that she came with an instruction manual, usually when you find yourself crying with her... and to accept that often you just need a break, and that doesn't make you a bad parent.

Over the past 8 weeks we've been on a constant learning curve that will probably never end. I'm slowly learning not to cling to things from my life pre-baby, like the luxury of knowing exactly what I'll be doing in an hour, or even in 5 minutes. Letting go of the expectation that I can just analyze and figure everything out is also completely against my nature, but oh-so necessary. There's a certain sense of serenity that comes with this, with just accepting the blind fumbling and small victories of each day. I also know without question that it does indeed 'take a village' -- I have said it many times already, I just don't know how single moms do it! I would be lost without Ian, our family, our friends, our doctor, even the random acquaintances or people in the grocery store from whom I've gained sudden insights or shared stories.

This dose of chaos is probably good for me, and certainly is worth it. We are so lucky. It is getting easier, and I've really, really been craving time to be creative and paint/craft again... but I'm sure that will come, even if it requires a babysitter! And, I'll probably appreciate it much more now than I did before, and there will be many projects for Sara. Right now, I look at her and I see this precious little baby who won't be little for very long. I look forward to her being older for some things, but some of my favourite moments are cuddling on the couch with her, feeling her little hands grip my fingers, and being on the receiving end of her big smiles in the morning from her crib -- smiles just for her mom.