altered states

You might think it goes without saying, but I am in LOVE with my babe. I was talking (very emotionally) to I. last night about this journey of motherhood so far, and how far we've come. I will be honest, it was really tough in the beginning...we had some challenges, plus nothing, I mean nothing can prepare you for the sleep deprivation, baby cries, everything hurting, swollen and leaky boobs, and OH the hormones... all while facing the biggest adjustment of your life. I wasn't actually unhappy, and I loved her instantly, but in the early weeks I wasn't elated all the time like new moms are somehow expecting... which leads to crushing self-doubt and feelings of failure at what "should" be the most natural thing in the world. I was scared and unsure of everything. Any mom who says she didn't experience even a degree of these things is surely lying! I am eternally grateful to friends who validated and related to my feelings. I still sometimes have visions of horrible things happening to her, like me dropping her, which I'm now convinced is my protective instinct on overdrive.

Fast forward to now, our beautiful daughter at 4 1/2 months old. I am so happy with her and our little family that it almost feels like I'm going to bubble over - she amazes me. I really feel like a 'Mom' and wouldn't trade my new role for anything. She is thriving and I feel proud, competent, and stronger (but I still have blubbery jello abs.) I love holding her, playing with her, making her laugh, and starting every day by peeking into her room and seeing little pajama feet kicking in the air. I get teary and feel guilty thinking back to some of my early emotional moments, wishing I could have known what I know now. Girls, if you think parental guilt is bad, wait until you're the mom! But we're only just beginning. Though I am excited for all the things to come because it just keeps getting better, I also want to hang onto every moment we have together now during this summer of baby days.